Microbikini

Most girls mess this up. They pick the bikini in the prettiest colour, pop it on, and look at their reflection in the changing room mirror for about five seconds before deciding to buy it. Then they can’t work out why they look so different in the holiday photographs.

When buying and wearing a bikini, don’t think of it as a bikini. Think of it as a pair of knickers and a bra. A pair of knickers and a bra that you are about to wear in public and be photographed in.

If you were told that tomorrow you had to go to work in nothing but your pants and the whole thing was to be captured on film, you’d spend a lot of time making sure you had on the most flattering option available. You would think big pants – not pretty little things with tiny weeny strips of material and pretty braids. You would think underwired bras which are the geniuses of lifting, separating and thrusting. Do the same amount of planning for your bikini. Just because your inhibitions have gone it doesn’t mean your cellulite will have.

Obviously you’re not going to spend your entire holiday standing up and admiring yourself in mirrors, so you need to work out what that bikini will look like in action.

1. Push your tummy out. Yes. We knew you were breathing in. But you can’t breathe in for a two-week holiday can you? Now imagine you’ve eaten pasta and ice cream every day and push it out some more. There. Maybe a sarong would be a good idea.

2. Turn away from the mirror and imagine picking up an object from the floor. Pause and look back mid-action. What does your behind look like? Is there anything showing that might frighten small children?

3. Wave frantically at an imaginary friend in the surf. Does anything pop out? Or flop out?

4. Jump up and down and pretend to play volleyball.

5. Lie on your back and writhe around on the floor as if you were snogging a fabulous holiday lover on a sun lounger. Check out the mirror to see how you look mid-wriggle.

6. Avoid novelty clasps. Men are simple creatures. Your bikini should be, too. He will be easily confused if presented with anything marginally more complex than a bra clasp. Pop your head out of the changing room curtain and if there’s a good-looking man around you can always invite him in to see what he thinks.

7. Beware of details like beading. They may look fabulous, but they can get caught on people, sun beds, seaweed or sea creatures. Models have beading on their swimsuits all the time, but they’re usually travelling with an entourage and working with a highly trained team from Vogue who can look out and check for dangers. Try it. Writhe around on the carpet and see if bits of your bikini get stuck to it. If you’re in a department store with a fish counter maybe pop down in your bikini and ask if you can practise brushing against the sea creatures in your cozzie and see if anything gets caught. Emerging from the sea with the entire cast of Finding Nemo clinging to your rear is not a good look.

8. Think of the tan lines. Even if a bikini is fabulous and you look really hot in it, stay clear if it’s got odd cutaway holes and weird straps and things. You might look good in it on holiday but it’s not practical to keep wearing the bikini in the office when you get home.

9. Throwing water over yourself will probably be frowned upon, even in the most understanding of department stores, but we do suggest that before taking your bikini on holiday you do a little extra research at home. Lie down in the bath and then quickly stand up in your bikini – does it fall down to your knees when wet? If you’re flat-chested and have gone for heavy padding, do the all-important lumps of material stay in place?

10. What will it look like when you emerge from the surf? Jump around in it a bit when it’s wet. Does it still hold in everything it was meant to hold in? Does it go see-through? Are you going to need extra waxing to wear this?

There are a lot of things to think about but don’t get paranoid and depressed about bikini purchasing. Nobody looks good in a bikini and those model pictures are all airbrushed anyway.

Alternatively, you could just go skiing instead.